He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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