I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I want to be your penis for a week.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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