you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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