I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
