i just sent this text using only my big toe
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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