I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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