you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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