I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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