Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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