I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
