I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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