He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
