when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
