The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
