If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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