How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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