so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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