i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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