I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
