just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
