I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
