Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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