Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
