Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
