I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
