Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
