if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
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Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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