I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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