dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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