i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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