Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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