On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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