paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Church boner. Awkwardddd
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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