I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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