Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just pee around me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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