I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
