just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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