i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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