Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
