omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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