So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
