never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
