i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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