Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The feeling are messing with the penis
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
