Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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