just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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