Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
