I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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