The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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