You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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