You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
