Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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