someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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