i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
