One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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