the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
