What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
